To Make A Girl Like You
by OneSizeFitsAll
Summary: "Who would ever marry you?" exclaimed Tauriel, her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkling dangerously. "You're so FAT!" The secret to Legolas's angsty past. Rated T for mild violence and some sappiness. Dedicated to all those who have reviewed my story, A Reasonable Defence. :)


**A/N: This is a random story I've been wanting to write since I saw Desolation of Smaug. Warning: I hate Legolas and Tauriel, and I don't care much for Kili. Warning #2: contains major spoilers for the next Hobbit movie. Actually, I don't know what is going to happen in the next movie...but I do want parts of this to happen. ;P Warning #3: This is more sappy and has a little less humour than most of my stories.**

**Many thanks to my wonderful beta, Rousdower. :)**

**Enjoy!**

To Make a Girl Like You

Standing in the dark, he nervously twanged his bow string. The lamps had died down some time ago, just as the noise of feasting from the great hall had. Most of the elves had already gone to bed.

It occurred to him that he might relight the lamps. He groped for the tinder box, and was about to strike a light, when he heard footsteps.

The tinderbox fell to the ground with a clatter, and Legolas leapt into the passage, directly in front of the passerby. There was a muffled scream as the figure clapped its hand over its mouth. Legolas flushed a little and fingered his bow nervously.

"Tauriel?" he asked.

"Legolas?" a feminine voice replied, trying to hide the fact that her voice was shaky.

"I wish to speak with you," he said.

"Anytime, your highness."

He winced. Didn't she know he hated it when she called him that?

"Your interest in the dwarf has not gone unnoticed," he said, casually.

"Interest?" Her voice sounded strained. She obviously did not like where this conversation was going.

"I have seen you talking to him," said Legolas. "Tonight you did not come to the feast. You were speaking with him."

"I never knew there was anything wrong with speaking to prisoners," said Tauriel haughtily.

"You need not try to trick me," said Legolas, struggling to keep his temper. "I know you have feelings for this dwarf."

"And if I do?" she asked, her very voice exuding sarcasm. "It cannot matter to you."

Legolas took a deep breath and plunged in. "Tauriel," he said, "I love you! Why would you prefer an ugly dwarf to me, Prince of Mirkwood?" he went on, growing more confident with every word. "I promise I can make you happy! Will you marry me, Tauriel?"

"Not on your life!" she cried.

Legolas' jaw dropped to the ground. Almost. He felt as if someone had hit him unexpectedly on the head from behind. He had never dreamt that there would be any woman in the world who could resist his charisma and the chance to be Queen of Mirkwood.

"Why… why not?" he faltered at last, still unable to believe his ears.

"Who would ever marry you?" exclaimed Tauriel, her cheeks flushed and her eyes sparkling dangerously. "You're so FAT!"

"The dwarf is fat!" cried Legolas, turning quite pink.

"That's different...he's a dwarf And he's still not as fat as you are!"

"I'm not fat!" insisted Legolas. "I'm just well built! And muscular!"

Tauriel rolled her eyes. "We will not speak of this again," she said. She brushed past him, leaving him standing in the hallway.

Legolas stood, staring after her, clenching and unclenching his fists.

Oh well, he thought, trying to regain his composure. Let her marry the dwarf, if she wants. That will teach her. Wait a few years, and he will be as fat as his companion, and she will always regret not having married a slim, handsome, young, royal elf like me.

He shrugged, faking nonchalance, and strode down the passage in the opposite direction.

**Later...**

The Battle of the Five Armies was raging. Legolas had killed every orc in sight, and some that weren't in sight. Every so often, he glanced over to where Tauriel was fighting, to see if she had noticed a particularly stylized attack, but her eyes were always either on her enemy, or on a certain dark haired dwarf.

Legolas shot an orc that was sneaking up behind her back. She didn't even notice.

Kili shot an goblin that had engaged her in hand to hand combat. She rewarded him with a smile.

Legolas was mad. Why should she ignore him like this? Why should she like a stupid dwarf?

He killed five more orcs in a matter of seconds. He looked over at Kili, who somehow managed to shoot down six in the short moment while he was looking at him.

He clenched his teeth furiously and promised himself he would never look at Kili again. He shot ten orcs in a row. Not fast enough. He procured his knives and finished off an orc who had gotten too close to shoot.

Suddenly, he heard a scream, and spun around.

Tauriel was running across the battle field, towards a short figure, lying on the ground. It was still.

Tauriel dropped to her knees beside the dwarf as Legolas dispatched another three orcs. A big warg got in his way, and for a moment, she was lost to his sight.

As the warg fell by his knife, he saw an orc behind her, it's sword upraised. She hadn't noticed it.

"Tauriel!" he screamed.

He knocked an arrow and let fly. Not fast enough.

The sword fell before the arrow reach its mark. Legolas didn't even feel the satisfaction of seeing his enemy fall as his arrow entered the orc's brain.

He ran to her, regardless of the orcs who leapt to attack him. He fell to his knees beside her and, grabbing her by shoulders, turned her to him.

"Go away, you creep," she said. "Ugh...you're even fatter than ever."

And she died.

Legolas dropped her and stood up. A goblin ran towards him, waving a ghastly weapon. Legolas dropped his bow.

Kill me, he thought.

The goblin came closer, yelling like an...orc.

Legolas squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his fists. Hit me, he thought. C'm on. C'm on and hit me. I want you to do it. Hit me.

He heard the pounding of the goblin's feet come closer. He heard the swish of the weapon in the air.

Kill me! his brain screamed.

Something grabbed his shoulders, and his feet left the ground. He opened his eyes, flailing wildly in the grip of a bird's talons.

The Eagles were coming.

**More than 60 years later...**

Legolas climbed off his horse in Rivendell and turned around to face the camera, just in time to hear a million fan girls screaming.

"Oooh!" they shrieked. "He's so cute! And grim! And skinny..."

Legolas had anorexia.

The End

**A/N: Please review! Tell me what you liked, what you didn't like, and how I could make it better! Thank you!**


End file.
